Do you let grudges rule your life?

As I walk down the street, I see two men walking ahead of me. At a bit of a distance they see each other, one quickly turns, looks both ways, crosses the street and continues his trek down the street.

One might conclude he was going to do something on the other side of the street, but if the observer knows the back story of the two men, he might realize this is the latest rebirth within the exiting man of a long-standing grudge.

A grudge is defined by the Cambridge dictionary as “a strong feeling of anger and dislike for a person you feel has treated you badly.”

Well, who has not had someone treat them badly in their life whether it was in personal relationships, business dealings or simply in social situations. It is for sure if you hang on to each small slight, combined with the bigger ones, pretty soon your bag of grudges that you are carrying around could be the size of a steamer trunk fully packed for a sail around the world.

What do you do with all those things in the trunk?

Is dragging it along behind you weighting down your future, your successes and your sanity?

I certainly carried grudges along with me in life. From childhood bullies to girls who did me wrong, co-workers or bosses who slighted me, or folks who attacked me publicly. It is not easy to let go of those hurts but with time and effort you can.

I will never forget when I was able to let go of those who made may youth a torment for me – fearful of of their verbal or physical abuse. For more than a decade those angers were packed away in my heavily steamer trunk, allowing me to from time to time take them out and fume over what I lost during those years.

One day, I realized carrying the weight was only hurting me, threw those grudges overboard, and I was freed from that emotional bondage. I forgave them all and today I could stand side by side with any of them without anger or a thought of retaliation. Other than possibly a passing thought of how surreal the renewed experience is.

Now in this case, all those people were long gone from my life, unlikely to return – that is until the advent of social media. But how do you handle the people who are still within your life? Those people you might meet walking down the street.

If you are magnanimous in your personality and your ability to forgive – as we all should be.

You would stay your course, speak politely as you pass, no matter how the other party reacts, and keep living your life. You are slowly taking take back your control and chipping away at that internal grudge making it smaller with each deed until one day, you will unpack it from your trunk.

Unless the person for which you carry a grudge has an actual perceived power over you, such as a boss or a relative who is there, this approach may sustain you.

Those who are in your life constantly, well that is a bit more of a challenge that you must handle based upon the impact this grudge is having on your life. If it consumes you every waking thought, you need to seek some professional help to learn how to get past it. Ultimately forgiveness must occur. But even if you forgive, the other party’s behavior might continue to add weight to what you are carrying.

Then I suggest, you must decide whether that impact on your well being should decide if you continue working around that person, or if family, do you choose to no longer spend time with them.

I come from a culture that holds lifelong grudges – even generational grudges passed from father to son. These sometimes take the form of what we refer to as feuds. In past generations, these did lead to physical fights, shootings, injuries and deaths. Another alternative practice is shunning – where the other party is dead to you – you did not acknowledge, recognize, respond, or see them even if they were next to you in a room.

I have chosen in my life not to feud. There are only few actions worth carrying that baggage and I pray I or my family do not suffer those. I have tried the shunning route, but that is exhausting, especially if the other person crosses your path a lot. It also give them power because you have to be conscious of them when they are around even when you are trying to ignore the person.

The best path is to destroy the grudge, forgive and move on if that is at all possible.

Prayer and Bible study as helped me accomplish my letting go. Should you have any grudges that you carry, I pray you find a path that frees you from their weight.