Cousin Will and the telephone

One of my readers wrote in and asked for a bit of humor, so I decided to share these comedy routines below.

Remember all they asked for was a bit!

Do you ever get those calls in the evening about the time you sit down to supper?

You’ll pick it up and some feller will want to sell you something.

Cousin Will one time had that way up above his eyebrows.

The phone rang and this here man said, “This is Whitney Air Conditioning and Heating Service and we are offering a free duct cleaning service; could we schedule an appointment?”

Cousin Will said, “Why sure, y’all come on out first thing in the morning.”

The very next morning, there sat Cousin Will out on the front porch with a shotgun ’cross his lap.

Up drove this brand new shiny air conditioning and heating truck.

This feller in a fancy blue uniform jumped out, walked right up to cousin Will, and without a “Howdy do” or a “Mornin’” said, “Mr. Doolittle, is your ducts under the house or over the house?”

Cousin Will said, “What?”

“Is your ducts under the house or over the house?” he repeated.

“Son, I don’t know how things are down over to your place but around these parts we keep our ducks in a pen out by the pond,” cousin Will said.

“I hope you don’t mind but after you called I brought over a few of the neighbors’ too,” he said.

Cousin Will picked up his shotgun from his lap and snapped the barrels into place.

“I expect all of them to be good and clean before you leave,” he said. “I’ll just be here a waitin’ and a watchin’ until you’re done.”

You know cousin Will never got no more calls from sales folks after that.

’Course for those of you who don’t know my cousin Will, he is the son of my great-uncle Elige Doolittle.

Elige had two twin boys, Will Doolittle and Won’t Do A-lot.
They were a couple of the smartest folks in the entire family.

We always knew they was going to make good when they grew up.

Will is the poet laureate of Tunnel Hill.

One of his most famous pieces is “Dog Gone,” which I include here in its entirety:

I went out to see you a day or two ago
You had gone and left me out here in the snow
What am I to do for the rest of my life?
Without a dog like you to chase my ex-wife

Old Blue, so good and true
Old Blue, what shall I do
You chased away the process server and kept away my wife
When she tried to take all I earned in my life
Old Blue

Just the other day I drove out of my way to see where my ex-wife spends her nights
What to my surprise, when right before my eyes as I drove up to her gate.
There you were standing looking back at me with that brand new rottweiler that she named FiFi.

Old Blue so good and true
Old Blue what shall I do
Now your with the other one you once chased away
I just can’t believe you’ve treated me this way
Old Blue

—
From the musical comedy pieces “Cousin Will and the Telephone” and “Dog Gone” ©1996 Peach Picked Pub.